What is the Pursuer/Withdrawer Dynamic and How Can You Break Out of It?
Relationships can feel like a dance — sometimes beautiful and connected, and other times like you and your partner are stepping on each other’s toes. One of the most common patterns I see in my work with couples is called the pursuer/withdrawer dynamic. If you’ve ever felt like you’re chasing your partner for closeness while they seem to pull away (or vice versa), you know how exhausting this cycle can be.
As a couples therapist in California, I utilize in EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) in order to break down what this dynamic actually is, why it happens, and most importantly — how you can begin to break free from it.
Cultural Messages:
In many Asian American and BIPOC families, emotions weren’t openly expressed. A partner who withdraws may have learned that it’s safer to stay quiet.
In queer relationships, past rejection or trauma can heighten fears of conflict, making withdrawal feel protective.
How This Cycle Hurts Relationships
When couples are stuck in this pattern, both partners suffer:
The pursuer feels unseen, rejected, and unloved. They may start to believe they’re “too much” or “needy.”
The withdrawer feels attacked, inadequate, and pressured. They may start to believe they’ll never get it “right.”
The irony is that both partners want connection, but the way they’re reaching for it keeps them apart.
Breaking Out of the Pursuer/Withdrawer Dynamic
The good news? This cycle isn’t permanent. With awareness and new tools, couples can step out of the dance and create a new rhythm. Here are some steps I often guide clients through in couples therapy:
1. Name the Cycle, Not the Partner
Instead of saying, “You always shut down” or “You’re always on my case,” try:
“I think we’re caught in that cycle again — me pushing, you pulling away.”
By externalizing the cycle, the “enemy” becomes the pattern, not your partner.
2. Understand the Underlying Fear
Pursuers often fear abandonment: “I need to know you’re here for me.”
Withdrawers often fear failure or rejection: “I don’t want to make things worse.”
Naming these softer fears helps couples see the vulnerable need underneath the behavior.
3. Practice Slowing Down
When the cycle starts, hit pause. Take a breath. If needed, take a break and agree to come back later.
4. Shift How You Communicate
For the pursuer: Try expressing needs gently rather than criticizing. Example: “I miss you and want to feel closer,” instead of “You never talk to me.”
For the withdrawer: Try staying present even in discomfort. Example: “This is hard for me, but I want to listen,” instead of going silent.
5. Build New Patterns of Connection
Create intentional moments of closeness that aren’t about conflict. This could be:
Weekly date nights (even just a walk together)
Checking in for 10 minutes daily without screens
Small rituals like a morning hug or evening gratitude
Another Example: What Healing Looks Like
Take Maya and Jordan, a couple juggling demanding tech jobs in San Francisco. Maya pursued, Jordan withdrew. Through therapy, they learned to recognize the pattern and pause when it started.
Now, instead of chasing, Maya says: “I feel disconnected right now and I need some reassurance.”
Jordan, instead of retreating, responds with: “I want to be here with you. Can we talk after I decompress for 20 minutes?”
This shift doesn’t erase conflict, but it gives them tools to stay connected instead of spiraling apart.
How Therapy Can Help
Trying to break out of the pursuer/withdrawer cycle on your own can feel overwhelming. That’s where couples therapy comes in. Using Emotion Focused Therapy, I can support partners:
Identify their unique cycle
Learn to express needs without blame
Build emotional safety and trust
Create lasting, secure connection
If you and your partner are stuck in this dynamic, you’re definitely not alone. With support, it’s possible to step into a new pattern where both of you feel loved, seen, and safe.
Final Thoughts
The pursuer/withdrawer dynamic is one of the most common — and most painful — relationship patterns. But it doesn’t define your relationship forever. By naming the cycle, slowing down, and practicing new ways of reaching for each other, you can build a relationship that feels secure and connected.
And if you want guidance along the way, working with a culturally competent couples therapist in California can give you the tools to break out of old cycles and find a new rhythm together.