Guilt and Shame: Why They Are the Hardest Emotions to Feel, and What to Do With Them

Why Guilt and Shame Feel So Heavy

If you’re reading this, you probably know how gut-wrenching guilt and shame can feel. Unlike sadness, anger, or even fear—emotions that tend to move through us in waves—guilt and shame often feel like they stick. Sometimes, they whisper things like:

• “You’re not enough.”

• “You should have known better.”

• “People wouldn’t like you if they knew the real you.”

For my clients—looking at you, my dear high achieving people-pleasers—guilt and shame often show up as a constant inner critic. And while these emotions can feel unbearable, they can actually serve important functions. The problem is when guilt and shame become overwhelming, toxic, and identity-defining.

Let’s break down why they’re so tough to feel, and more importantly, what you can actually do with them.

The Difference Between Guilt and Shame

Even though guilt and shame are often lumped together, they aren’t the same.

• Guilt says: “I did something bad.”

• Shame says: “I am bad.”

Guilt can sometimes be healthy—it nudges us toward repair when we’ve hurt someone. Shame, on the other hand, cuts deeper. It attacks your sense of self rather than your actions.

For AAPI and other collectivist cultures, shame is often baked into the way we’re taught to navigate the world. “Don’t bring shame to the family” is a familiar message. For queer folks, shame may have come from years of hiding, masking, or being told—directly or indirectly—that who you are is wrong.

So when guilt and shame collide, it’s no wonder they feel like the heaviest emotions to carry.

Why Guilt and Shame Are the Hardest to Feel

1. They’re isolating.
   Unlike sadness (which may draw people in for comfort), shame tells you to hide. Guilt makes you replay what you “should” have done differently. Both create disconnection—when what you actually need is connection.

2. They attack your identity.
   Shame doesn’t just criticize your behavior; it criticizes you. It convinces you that you are the mistake, which makes it hard to separate truth from self-judgment.

3. They thrive in silence.
   Shame grows in the dark. The less you talk about it, the more powerful it becomes. For many people I work with—especially those who’ve been told “don’t air dirty laundry” or “just get over it”—shame becomes a secret you carry alone.

4. They fuel people-pleasing and perfectionism.
   If you’ve ever thought, “If I can just be perfect, I won’t have to feel this again,” you’re not alone. But guilt and shame don’t go away when you perform harder. They deepen.

5. They trigger old wounds.
   For folks with relational trauma, guilt and shame can re-activate memories of being criticized, neglected, or rejected. What feels like a “small mistake” in the present can unleash an avalanche of old pain.

What to Do With Guilt and Shame

Here’s the hopeful part: guilt and shame don’t have to define you. Rather than seeing them as truths, try to communicate with them. With the right tools, you can soften their grip.

1. Name It Out Loud

Shame thrives on silence. The moment you say: “I’m feeling shame right now,” you’ve already created space between you and the emotion. Naming is powerful—it moves you from being inside the shame to observing it.

2. Practice Self-Compassion (Yes, Really)

I know, I know. Self-compassion can feel impossible when your inner critic is screaming. But compassion is the antidote to shame. Try this:

• Place your hand on your heart.

• Say to yourself: “This is hard. Other people feel this too. I’m allowed to be human.”

This simple pause interrupts the spiral and reminds you that you are not alone in your experience.

3. Separate Who You Are From What You Do

Remember the difference: guilt = “I did something wrong.” Shame = “I am wrong.”
Whenever you feel shame, practice reframing:

• Instead of: “I’m such a bad partner.”

• Try: “I said something hurtful, and I want to repair it.”

4. Lean Into Safe Relationships

Healing from shame requires connection. Sharing your experience with someone safe (a friend, partner, therapist) breaks the silence. In my couples therapy work, I see over and over how powerful it is when one partner says: “I feel shame,” and the other responds with empathy instead of judgment.

5. Explore Where the Shame Came From

Often, guilt and shame aren’t about the present moment at all—they’re echoes of earlier experiences. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) are powerful tools for exploring these deeper wounds. In therapy, we can identify where these feelings started and begin to rewire your relationship to them.

6. Set Boundaries With the Inner Critic

Your shame voice may sound like a strict parent, a teacher, or cultural expectations you internalized. One practice I recommend is externalization:

• Give your inner critic a name (e.g., “The Judge”).

• Write down what “The Judge” says.

• Respond as your adult self: “Thanks for trying to protect me, but I don’t need you to run the show anymore.”

7. Let Repair Replace Punishment

Guilt’s gift is that it points toward repair. Instead of spiraling in self-punishment, ask: “What small step could I take to make this right?” Sometimes that means apologizing. Sometimes it means committing to act differently next time. Repair builds trust—with yourself and others.

For People Pleasers and Perfectionists

If you identify as a high-achieving people pleaser (hi, I see you), guilt and shame can feel like constant companions. You might feel guilty for saying no, ashamed for not meeting impossible standards, or both.

Here’s the truth: setting boundaries and honoring your needs doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you human. Therapy can help you untangle where that “guilt default” comes from and practice tolerating the discomfort of putting yourself first. Over time, the guilt softens, and the freedom grows.

Final Thoughts: Guilt and Shame Don’t Have to Define You

Yes, guilt and shame are the hardest emotions to feel. But they’re also invitations—to reconnect, to repair, and to reimagine your relationship with yourself.

If you’ve carried guilt or shame for years, know this: it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’ve survived in a world that taught you to carry burdens that were never fully yours.